There are some words that I say to myself and even out loud all too often.  They are words that frighten me when I hear someone else say them.  They even frighten me a little when I realize I have said them myself.  They are the words “I can’t do this anymore”.  To some they may sound similar to words spoken of suicidal ideations and they certainly can be and should always be taken seriously but for me I can tell you they usually have a lot deeper meaning than that.

I have spent pretty much my whole life feeling inadequate.  I have never felt like I truly was worthy of love, happiness and many other things we should all want in this world. These thoughts are in my mind every single day.  I never really feel quite good enough.  Most of this is my depression and anxiety talking coupled with my own personal life experiences but the voices are always there lurking in my mind.  You add in other life stressors and events and it can be pure chaos up there in my head.

When I feel stressed and overwhelmed it is like those already existing thoughts that live in my mind because of my mental illness are ready for action.  They enjoy me getting these feelings because then they can really play on my weaknesses.  I start to remember every stupid thing I have ever said and done.  I start reliving all of the bad decisions I have made.  I remember all of the terrible relationships I have been in.  I think about all of the things that have been said to me or about me that are hurtful and negative.  Pretty soon I am questioning if anyone really likes me.  I question why I have not been invited to certain events and get togethers or why certain people never have time for me.  I wonder why nobody commented on my Facebook or Instagram post.  Wasn’t it cute or funny or likable in any way?  Is everyone talking about me and how stupid, sad and pathetic I am?  Who knows if any of this is true but in my mind it is all very true and very real!

The next time you hear someone like me say “I can’t do this anymore” take it seriously but realize it may not mean they actually want to end their life or end whatever it is they may be speaking of.  They may be just like me.  It means I am feeling overwhelmed.  I need support and love and I need to feel I matter.  I need to feel like all of the things happening to me and going on in my mind will soon stop.  It means I want to be “normal”.  I want to be able to live through all of these bad things that happen to me no matter how small and not feel like I am going to suffocate or go screaming and be labeled as “crazy”.  I need and want the emotional and physical pain to stop.  I said those very words out loud tonight after a rather stressful day stemming from a very stressful time overall.  Tonight I meant I just cannot keep feeling out of control and like I cannot handle all of the stressors in my life right now.  I wanted and want everything to go smoothly and I want to be relaxed.

This is all just a part of my life and living with anxiety and depression.  The thoughts I have do not easily go away and they can be very frightening.  It is important that if you feel like this on a regular basis you seek the help of someone.  You need to talk to someone whether that be a family member or friend at first or a counselor or doctor. Never be afraid to ask for help and know that you are not alone!

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