The holidays had me so busy I have not written in far too long. I have been pondering what to write about with so many ideas and drafts already written. As I was sitting here working on graphics and things for my craft business I started thinking of a conversation that I had with my husband earlier and something I had been thinking about a lot lately. I am working on myself and trying to find my new identity.
I was a single mom for about 12 years before meeting my current husband. We have been married a little over a year having met my husband between 3 and 4 years ago. My son who is now 18 lived with me full time until the age of 12. He was always very active with a lot of friends and active in sports and activities. His dad was and is in his life but most of the time growing up we lived approximately 45 minutes away from him and 20 or more from family so getting him here and there and everywhere was my responsibility. I did not mind doing it at all and being Dylan’s mom or as I call it dyldylsmom was who I was. I was his soccer mom, baseball mom, basketball mom and more as he tried out various things over the years. He was still active in sports until a couple of years ago and I still attended every game and event I could and that was a part of who I was as much as anything else. I am a huge hobbyist photographer so cheering him on and snapping photos was always a must.
The last couple of years have not been filled with the activities like before but we have had a lot of issues that have been stressful and mentally exhausting. We still have issues but now that he is 18 and has pretty much made the decision to be on his own that part of me is gone. I am still his mom and always will be. I am still a stepmom to three boys, one of which lives with us at almost 13 but is much less active and has nothing to do with sports. His dad, my husband, is here to share in those responsibilities as well.
I do miss all of the sports and I wish circumstances were different I could be doing some of those things but it is what it is and my life is in a different place. Despite the arguing and distance between us now because apparently teenagers just don’t want to hang out with their parents anymore I still would do almost anything for him as long as it is not harmful or against my beliefs of course and we have always been pretty close. I knew he would grow up and our relationship would change that is a given. I never knew the things that have happened or what we have been through the last couple of years would have ever happened and that is the hard part.
Every day I struggle between losing the part of me that was dyldylsmom and finding me as a person. Now I am able to focus more of my energy to my own hopes and dreams. Part of me feels guilty I think but my son in his heart knows that I have always been there for him waiting on his sidelines and I am still here but things are different and I have to do what is healthy for me and work on building myself up. My family is important to me and always will be but building a business I can be proud of and doing things I enjoy in this life are also important to me and in turn to my family. I cannot be there for them fully if I am not there for myself. I fight battles daily with my mental illness and other issues but I am here and I am working on me daily with all I have. I don’t have a completely empty nest yet but the dynamics of our nest have changed and so in turn I change too and hopefully for the better.