Sometimes I debate on what I will post or write about when it comes to my depression and anxiety issues but tonight I just feel like I need to be real. I am always open that I have them but don’t always go into a lot of details. There are a lot of sayings out there about having them both and let me tell most of them are probably true. Having one is bad enough but having depression and anxiety can be pure Hell and that is the honest truth.
There is so much I have to say about it all and where and when mine started, where and when it was actually diagnosed and so much more but now is what I want to talk about. I have gone through a lot in my life that has had a definite reason to impact these two mental health issues. I have gone through a lot in the past few years alone to flare these two issues up for me in major ways. I have suffered a loss of both of my dads at young ages, had a hysterectomy, had a wreck that left me disabled from my career and in a lot of pain nobody understood, had some serious family issues and parenting issues and a whole lot more. I mean just what I have been going through these last few months had my most recently counselor reveling at the fact that with these issues I have I had done as well as I have. Someone like me going through the issues I have while dealing with depression and anxiety is not easy. Everything is sort of heightened for me. As a counselor once tried to explain to an unsympathetic man I was dating and lived with anxiety is like when someone without anxiety almost hits an animal with their car and we feel that “phew” moment, but with someone with anxiety they don’t get that “phew”moment. The anxious feels stays with us. No matter how irrational the issue causing us the anxiety is we still feel like it is a major ordeal.
Right now in my life it is just a lot of little things that are overwhelming me that have me feeling both my anxiety and my depression a lot more than I would like. I sort of thought once our wedding was over that things would just be so much better. Now don’t get me wrong I am happy to be married and happy to have my family together now, but life just has those same problems and even a few more. I deal with parenting issues on a daily basis that are sometimes so difficult I feel like I just cannot do it anymore. The anxiety causes me so much angst and then I get depressed about it all. I am criticized and judged by others but nobody judges and criticizes me worse than I do myself. I replay every little thing in my head. I lie awake thinking about it all, think about it in the shower, think about it while working and pretty much all the time. I worry about finances of course because that just has not been easy and honestly lately I have a hard time balancing everything to work the extra that I need to that will help us get caught up. Truth be told it is not just the balance of it all but it is my depression. It leaves me feeling like it takes every ounce of physical and mental strength just to barely function and do the minimum I have to do. My depression also affects my body and makes it tired and achy. My motivation waxes and wanes. I have so many hopes and dreams for myself and for our family and those in it but sometimes I just can’t make myself go. I want to spend more time with friends and family but just working and getting by with my household duties is almost too much. Combine this depression with the fact that my anxiety is tugging at me about the things I need to do as far as working more hours, doing more around the house, working out for my health, working on my life goals, etc. and well it is like I am having a war within myself every single day.
My family and close friends and even my followers on social media either know or could very easily know that I have these mental health issues but sometimes I hide it well or they may not get the depth of it at any certain time. I don’t always understand it myself. I can tell you that I don’t like having it. I don’t like feeling the way I do. I don’t like this depressive slump I am in, but it is a part of who I am. I get by the best I can. I have good days and bad days. I gather up my strength and put on a good front when I need to. I guess in that manner I have learned to sort of manage it. I do what I need to get by and then I deal with my issues often alone and quietly. I try to sleep it off, meditate, use oils, etc. and these things all do help at certain points in certain ways, but it does not and will not go completely away. I write this because it is therapeutic and to promote an awareness for mental health issues. If you know someone who deals with mental health issues try to be understanding. It is as real as any other medical condition it is just mostly unseen by the average eye. Don’t tell someone to “just get over it”. That does not help and in fact makes it all worse. If you think I like feeling this way or anyone else does you clearly are clueless and unsympathetic. Have an open heart and an open mind with your friends of family. Love them for who they are and respect that they are going through something very real. Your love and respect may make all of the difference in the world to them. I know it does me.