I felt like I needed to sit down and write in hopes that it would help me get through some of what I am going through. It is the holidays and I am dealing with my inner demons.
Seasonal depression always gets me this time of year. It is very common for those of us with depression. The last few years it has really hit me hard. This year is the worst yet. The last few years we have been struggling at Christmas time or there has been too much going on. My mind is not at peace and therefore I am not at peace.
Right now we are in a bad spot financially. We are behind on pretty much everything. It has been a rough year for the business. The economy changed and it is effecting us and so many other small businesses. I have been trying to juggle orders, working some part-time side jobs, and just living life. This has all been happening when what I really want to do is lay in bed and just be. I want to watch mindless television and clear my mind of all of the anxiety and stress but I can’t. My thoughts overwhelm me.
I was also recently triggered by the death of a beloved person in the television realm. Stephen “Twitch” Boss unalived himself this week. I have followed him since he competed on So You Think You Can Dance. He was always such a bright light. He always seemed happy and was smiling and interacting with others. I had watched him blossom and grow and watched his TikToks with him and his family including his wife Allison who was also on SYTYCD. I could not get on social media for a few days without it being right in front of me. I cried so many times. I hate seeing things like that. I hate knowing that others are suffering so badly.
I have come to realize over the last few days how badly I am suffering myself. I am not suicidal per se but I cannot sit back and say that the thought has not crossed my mind. I want the stress and pain to end. I feel terribly overwhelmed. Trying to just function as a human is exhausting right now. I try to hide the depression and anxiety but it is on my mind 24/7. I have moments where I think I just want to not be here and not be going through this. There are moments when I just feel like I can’t do it anymore. Today has been a rough day. I woke in tears and I have cried off and on all day. I feel hopeless and I just want it all to stop. I am trying to be productive but it certainly is hard.
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I have been talking myself out of thinking those suicidal thoughts all day today. I picture my son and my grand babies and everyone else and that is what stops me but I still long for the pain to end. I got a job that I will start soon but what are we to do in the meantime? You don’t just get paid right away on a new job. Our car payments, rent, groceries, electricity, and all will not wait on me to start getting those regular paychecks. I want these problems and this stress to be gone and sometimes that leads me to think that I need to be the one that is gone. I will get through this but it is not easy right now. I am in pain from all of my inner demons.
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