Today as I sit typing this on the eve of my 43rd birthday I am still so sad and heartbroken. I have cried on and off all day. Today has been one of the worst I have had in a long time. There have been quite a few bad ones but today took the cake. Today I actually thought and said to myself “I don’t want to live anymore”. For me today this meant, “I want this pain and turmoil to stop. I want my relationship with my son and my job and everything else to just be good and make me happy.” I am going through some issues as a mom that are truly breaking my heart. I feel like I am giving all that I have but it is not the right thing or not enough. I am feeling like a failure. I know I probably did not say the right things because I honestly don’t know what the right things are anymore.
This whole situation that has been ongoing for a while now has consumed me. I worry about it day and night. Not a minute of the day goes by that I do not think about it all in some shape of form. Being a mom has always been something that I have took seriously. I may not alway do the right things but I definitely give it my all. Anything I do or try to do right now is to help guide him now and into his future. We all must have the skills, knowledge and ability to cope as an adult out on our own before we just take that leap. I am certainly trying my best to do all of that.
I am also dealing with losing my current job and not knowing what I will do next and if it will even be in my same career field. I have worked very hard for a lot of years to get where I am and it sucks seeing it all just kind of swirl down the toilet slowly. If I keep the same job with a new company my pay will see a huge decrease and things will just all around be so different. My industry has just changed so much and I will leave it at that.
I do online counseling every week on Fridays. I do this via video chat. I really like my counselor. He is definitely a good fit for me and that can make all the difference in the world honestly. We are working on 4 things. Those are mindfulness self talk, self care and what I can and cannot control. Where my son is concerned the last is the hardest. He is 17 so I have to accept that no matter how hard I try he may not do what I want or what he should. Watching him make those mistakes and not being able to pick him up, hug him and make it all better is killing me inside. I would never go into all of the details out of respect to him but I will say it has been super hard and some of the things we are going through and have gone through are things I would have never dreamed of. I have had to jointly make decisions that have honestly made my heart hurt so bad I felt dead inside. If I can’t help him then what is wrong with me? I am his mom. I am suppose to be able to fix things and make it all right but I can’t. He has reached that point that there are only certain things in my full control. I cannot pick him up and carry him here or there where he needs to be. I cannot hold his hand while he is out and about. I have to trust he will make good decisions and try to teach him better when he doesn’t.
I really don’t care what age he is or how big he is in my eyes he will always be my little boy, my sugarbear as I would call him when he was little. My counselor asks me questions when I say things to myself like “you are an awful mom” or “you are so stupid and can’t do anything right”. He asks me in all reality are those statements true. I always say no to things like that because they are not true but those are the things I tell myself either outloud or in my mind. I guess that is why when people judge or criticize me it hurts but none of it is as bad as what I say about myself. My anxiety and depression take pretty good care of those things for everyone around me. I take it all day by day and cry when I have to and try to use whatever methods I can that I know to get me through it all. My son sees me as dramatic or selfish when I cry but I am a cryer and an emotional person. I cannot control it any more than I can control having to use the bathroom or when I have an anxiety attack. It is what it is and we try better tomorrow.
**Disclaimer: I am not suicidal at this moment. I have no plans to do anything of that nature this is just a real glimpse of what can go through the minds of those of us with mental illnesses such as depression. All it takes is one really down moment and loss of control and they or you are gone so please always take it seriously. It is at the very least a call out for help. If you or someone you know is suicidal please get yourself or them help at the hotline below.