I Feel So Broken Inside

I really hate my anxiety and depression.  I feel like I am always in battle.  I never know when each of these mental illnesses or both of them are going to want to take me down.  I feel so broken inside and like I am fighting a battle I just can’t win.

Today started out as a good day.  I mean I have been having those feelings of depression lately and my anxiety has definitely been higher than normal but most days I am able to get up and motivate myself to get things going.  The thoughts are all still there.  I am still having dreams about things from the past.  I am still falling asleep with rolling thoughts in my head.  I am still fighting those thoughts to just lay in bed and do nothing but mostly I cope alright until something happens and a stressor presents itself.

My anxiety is always there waiting but for me when it builds up sometimes I get very easily aggravated.  I can get angry rather quickly because I am already feeling on edge.  It just takes added stress or someone pushing my buttons or starting an uncomfortable conversation for me to kick into flight or fight mode.

My depression is there too.  It reminds me of how much I despise myself.  It reminds me of all of the other issues in my life that make me feel less than.  These are the times I get really judgmental and really ugly with myself.  I question every issue I have and begin to wonder if I am to blame for all of my woes.  I am stupid.  I am fat.  I am loud and don’t shut up and nobody wants to talk to me or listen to me.  Maybe that is why I don’t really do things with friends.  Maybe that is why certain family members don’t want to do things with me.  I feel so completely broken and like I can’t be fixed.

My anxiety causes me to do so many things that only make situations worse than they already are.  I do not like when I do not feel heard.  I interrupt people and I talk loudly and repeat myself.  I am desperate to be heard right then and there and it gives me anxiety if I feel like I am not understood or listened to.  I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.  I mean who would.

Nights like tonight I finally reach my breaking point where I succumb to the crying and so many bad thoughts.  I want to run away.  I want all of this stress, anxiety and pain to go away.  I want to feel appreciated, respected and loved.  I don’t feel that way.  I feel like I am broken and I cannot be fixed.  I start to wonder if some people would just be better off if I were not around.  I am not suicidal but I do feel like maybe it would be better if I were not around.  I say things about wanting to just run away because at that point and time that is how I feel.  I just don’t want to feel what I am feeling anymore.  I don’t want to feel like a burden or like I am just a nuisance to those I love.

Logically I know tomorrow is a new day with new challenges and new feelings.  I pray that tomorrow will be better.  I fight back the tears as I write this because I have so many negative thoughts and feelings still running rampant in my mind even though I already took my “as needed” anxiety medication.  It helps but it does not make it all just disappear.  I wish this all had an off button so I could just turn it off.


Leave a Reply