I’m Feeling 52

So, what does it feel like turning 52? Well, I guarantee it probably doesn’t feel like you think it does. I know for me it doesn’t feel or look like I ever thought it would. So many things are just not what our younger selves think.

I turned 52 this past Sunday, April 12, 2026. We had just been out of town to visit our family three hours away so I was tired and honestly not feeling well. I had felt a little sick during the trip but when I woke up Sunday my legs were hurting so bad like they do sometimes when weather changes and my arthritis hits or I am just downright tired. I care for my mom in her home and have for almost three years now so I have things I have to do daily. I did sleep in because luckily mom was also tired and she usually stays up pretty late and sleeps in also. Even before I woke up feeling bad I had decided to take it sort of easy that day except the usual stuff and unpacking from our trip. All I really wanted was to rest and hear from my son and maybe not have to cook dinner.

My 50s have not been what I expected. I began caring for mom in the summer of 2023 at the age of 49 and life has not been the same since.  These last few years have been some of the most trying ones. I have seen myself lose over 80 pounds which is definitely a positive thing. I have become a full time caregiver for my bed ridden mother who I have always had a bit of a complicated relationship with.  There have been good things like experiencing the full Disney World experience which is one of my favorite places on earth now.  It has just overall been so different. 

Our kids grow up and start their own families. We wait for those days when it is just us as adults and we get to enjoy our adult life with adult children. Then come the grandchildren and man are they a blessing from above. For me, prior to my 50s and all of these life changes I was really a full time grandma, “GiGi”. I kept my granddaughter that lives in our town many days every week since her birth in 2020.  We visited the other children and grandchildren as we had time and still do. We went and did what we wanted as far as time and finances allowed us. That is what we are suppose to do right? Well, for us and so many others life happens and we end up caring for our aging parents, grandparents and maybe other relatives too. Being able to do that is a blessing also but it is a lot on a person mentally and physically and a lot on a marriage. 

I just cannot do the things I once could. If I had not lost the weight I did the past few years I honestly don’t know where I would be. I don’t think I would be able to care for mom and do what I am able to do. I had a lot of mental issues and some physical ones when this started three years ago that have just been exacerbated by my new life of caregiving. I struggle with wanting to be the old me and dance around and be a totally positive and spunky gal to just wanting to run away and hide from everyone and everything. I still like concerts and going places but I also like just staying home. 

My mental health has had me unable to work since later in 2023.  I was breaking down every day for a while and I could not concentrate. As a former medical transcriptionist you sort of have to be able to concentrate to do that job. Nobody wants their medical records jacked up by someone incompetent because their mind won’t shut up. That was where I was and I still am much of the time.  I lost that part of me for a while. We also have a business where I make things and were traveling around a lot back then. That had to stop and the energy and time to keep it up to any extent is just not there. My hours go by each day super fast. 

I feel like more of a burden to some people because I am always stressed, anxious and depressed. I don’t want to be this way. I have moments where I am not but overall I just don’t feel myself.  I know a lot of this is just aging in general.  I don’t really deal well with feeling like I am ignored or a burden. I sort of feel like that with my son and I hate that.  Being his mom was my favorite thing before I became a grandparent.  I am struggling with my adult child just not having time and energy for me.  I didn’t hear from him on my birthday and that sucks. I know he may not have even remembered or noticed but it still hurts my heart. 

I am also dealing with not being allowed to see my one granddaughter that I saw many days a week for the first almost 6 years of her life. That happened around six months ago and I just feel like a part of my heart is gone.  I know this happens to a lot of grandparents and parents but the alienation is almost more than I can take.  We just got back from our other granddaughter’s birthday party with her and our three grandsons and my husband’s family. I had so much fun and I love those kids so much.  Leaving them is hard.  It always has been hard but this time since still not getting to see our other grandchild I have really been struggling. Being a GiGi is my favorite thing about getting older and here and now I feel like I don’t get to be a GiGi.  I don’t get to do the best thing about being 52 right now, which is loving and spoiling grandchildren and getting those hugs regularly.   

Where do I go from here?  I am really not sure.  I am in therapy and I have visits twice a month.  I have been told to do group therapy with our kids or at least my son but that will not happen.  For now, I just live day by day and hope for a better future.  I do the things I need to do as a 50 something who is living the family caregiver life and also a wife, mom and grandmother.  I get up daily although some days are struggles with my depression.  I still get up and I do what I have to for mom and for us.  I live and I do and I occasionally still dance and sing in the kitchen to some Taylor Swift, Dolly, Reba or one of my other favorites and I keep going.  We all just have to keep going!