The last few years life has really tested me in ways I never thought it would. The last few months have been even more trying than the rest. My heart hurts and my mind is tired. I feel completely broken.
I have been struggling for a while with my mental health. Last month was really bad. I am struggling with a lot of things. My relationship with my son is strained. I am still trying to process not seeing his daughter, my granddaughter. I am ultimately in bad shape with that whole situation. I tried to make sure our whole family knew her and loved her and that she knew them including my almost 93-year-old Mema and for the last six months that has all been pulled from me and all of us.
Last month I went to a dark place. I went to the darkest place I had been in a long time. Only my husband and my therapist know the real extent of how far that went. I don’t always share everything. I don’t want people to start saying that I am just being dramatic or looking for sympathy which is sometimes what happens when we share our suicidal thoughts and ideations with others. I will say that for me it was and is the fact that the pain gets to be too much. I get to where I just don’t think I can mentally or physically handle it anymore. It hurts too much and I just don’t feel like I want to be here anymore. I ask myself how much more can I take?
I care for mom as best I can but she doesn’t show me appreciation. In fact, when others compliment me she diminishes it or acts like it is an exaggeration. When the waiver that gives time for caregiving is assessing to give me more time she comments that it gives me more time not her. It is time for caring for her. I do it all. Other than my husband helping with some things when needed it is all on me. The house, her care, her medical, her finances, all of it. I told her my cousin called me an angel the other day for something and she just rolled her eyes and kind of made fun. It hurts because I gave up a lot to be here including parts of my life and marriage. I also gave up parts of my business and my sanity. It also affects me physically. The mental and physical together has been rough.
My son who I love more than anything doesn’t really get me. I don’t think he really knows who I am and I know he is grown at 26 but I still miss having time with him. I just hope he knows that I love him so much and I have always tried to support him and love him no matter what it may seem like.
My stepsons are important to me too. They came into my life 13 years ago and I married their dad 10 years ago this July. They live far away and I try to support them without being a meddler but it is hard to know what the right thing to do is all the time.
My grandchildren mean so much to me. Four of them live three hours away and I wish I got to see them more. Our oldest will be 8 in October and I cannot figure out how he has grown so fast. We have five ranging from almost 3 to almost 8. The one I no longer get to see is the only one that lives close and to go from seeing her multiple days a week and keeping her and taking her places with us to no contact is something I cannot get a grasp on. I see so many others sharing their stories and it is heart breaking. The bad thing is that I always agreed to watch her no matter what because in the back of my mind I feared the day would come that this could happen. I watched my son grow up without his brother due to his mom doing the same thing so it was already a sore subject with our family. I poured my heart into my precious girl and now I don’t even know what she thinks happened to her GiGi and why she doesn’t get to see her anymore. A piece of me is missing. In this mess of caring for mom and life changing being her GiGi and having her with me was the one thing that was still pretty much the same from the old life before caring for mom. I was pretty sure being her GiGi was the one thing I got right in life but now I just don’t know.
Dealing with my mental health issues is hard. Finding the right medications is hard. Who knows if I am on the right regimen. I also use the THC Delta 9 type edibles (gummies) that are legal in Texas sometimes. They help with my anxiety, stress and pain. Mental health comes with pain issues and more. My IBS stomach issues are triggered by stress. My interstitial cystitis with my bladder can also be triggered by stress. I ache from arthritis. I have been judged for using these products. I get that some don’t agree with using them. I used to be totally against any type of THC products. I now see them as a useful tool for some of us. I do also believe you must use them responsibly just like anything else out there. I use them responsibly and do not use them daily but if I am struggling and other things are not helping then I will utilize them. I have been called a “pill popper” for taking my prescribed medications. I have been called a “druggie” for taking these gummies. It is so easy for people to judge when they are not walking in my shoes. Would people rather me just follow through with my suicidal thoughts and give in to my mental illnesses? Would that make them feel better about it? I do not put myself or anyone else in danger and that is a fact.
I am in therapy and have been for a year now. I have been in therapy many different times in my life but this time I have consistently been in it since last April. I followed my therapist from Talkspace to his new office because I need consistency and could not fathom having to start all over again. He commends me for my progress. I thank him for saying that because some days I feel like I am worse than ever. I criticize myself. People say things about me and I take that to heart and then I start saying mean things to myself about those very things. I am told sometimes I talk too much so then when I am not listened to or I feel like I am talking too much I get mean with myself about it.
I share a lot on social media but some people around me don’t like that. I have often been told I am being dramatic. I am told everyone gets depressed. I am told by others around me “well I have depression too” when I try to express how down I am feeling. I cannot diagnose anyone else and I feel for anyone going through it. All that I know is I have now been treated for depression and anxiety since my 20s. Last November I did psychological testing that showed severe major depressive disorder and severe generalized anxiety disorder. I take medications. I do therapy twice a month. I utilize other tools like guided meditation, relaxation techniques, etc. I am doing what I can to help these issues and it is still causing me problems. I cannot control others but I know that I am trying to help myself every way I know how. I am far from perfect. I feel things deeply. I cry a lot. I get frustrated a lot. I forget a lot of things. I have to utilize calendars and notes to keep track of everything when I used to be really sharp. I take criticism really hard. If someone comes at me about my parenting or grandparenting then they have definitely hit my hot spots and “pushed my buttons”. Those are the two things that are going to hurt me the most.
I am me. I am broken but I am still here fighting this battle as a mental health warrior. Judge me if you want to. I always say that nobody can judge and criticize me more than I do myself. I have a lot of monsters in my head.
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