My Review of PowerUp Lightening Charging Cord

We never seem to have enough charging cords.  We especially had this issue when my teenager was still living here.  I honestly wondered if he was eating them so many of them would disappear.

We all have iPhones and we have two iPads so having lightening cords that are good quality is important to us.  I like this kind as the cord is cloth rather than rubber.  This keeps it from fraying and shorting out as easily.  I have been using this charging cord for several days in my home office and I have had a great experience thus far.  The bonus is that it is even pink!  It matches my phone and lets me be girlie in a family of all males.  Below is my YouTube video review as well as the link to view and/or purchase this cord.




Review of Bumble Road Bath Bombs


I had the honor to review these bath bombs from Bumble Road recently.  If you busy like me you may rush through your days and take quick showers and rarely take the time for yourself to just relax in the tub with a nice bath.  We have to all learn to give up time for ourselves to be the best we can be and this includes me.

I got these bath bombs at a discount to try out and give my opinion on.  I have included the  Youtube video review I did along with this post as well.  I got mine from Amazon and I have included the link to view and/or purchase as well as the end of this post.

I am currently working two jobs due to slowness on my production paid first job.  We are also getting ready to move and I have a ton of additional stress so I decided to make trying these a priority and to make it a whole relaxation routine.  At the time of this post I have tried two of them out of the four pack and they both were great.  They each have their own name and scent.  I have tried Dreamsicle and Yellow Rose.  I set up some calming music the first time and a TED talk the next time on my iPad to watch and listen to.    I dimmed the bathroom lights only leaving one light on and started some nice warm/hot bath water and dropped in my bath bomb.  You can immediately see the bath bomb dissolving and fizzing in the water.  The smell is great and started almost immediately.  It had completely dissolved by the time my bath was full and I was ready to hop in.

I really enjoyed my relaxation time using these bath bombs.  The scent was nice and it really helped me enjoy my time doing nothing but listening to the music or the talk.  There was absolutely no kind of residue or anything left from the bath bombs.  They dissolved completely with no issues.  I felt really clean and fresh both physically and mentally.  I think using these during a relaxing bath time residual was definitely beneficial to me and could be to so many of us who put ourselves last.  I am anxious to try many more products like this to help me relax and unwind from the stress in my life.






The Bully Inside My Mind

We hear a lot these days about bullying. The majority of it pertains to school age kids or online bullying. Bullying is not a new concept by any means but in further years past it was more of a “hush hush” or taboo subject. It was almost normal to “tease” others. I was definitely bullied for a few different reasons growing up as a shy and awkward child who had issues of various types. I have been bullied as an adult over the years as well but the bully that is probably the most harmful is the bully inside my mind.

All it takes really is for someone to say something to me or make me feel uncomfortable and I start to doubt myself and everything I have done and said. I begin to tell myself that others do not like me and are talking about me behind my back. It does not matter if I actually heard or saw it. It simply matters that something happened that triggered those anxiety ridden voices that live inside me.

I have had men in my past who have said things in anger or because maybe they just were immature and had little to no sense that were hurtful to me. Many would be able to know immediately that the words were not necessarily true but meant to be like am emotional wound laid upon them. Most would be able to drop those words and thoughts from their minds 10 or more years later but not me. The inner bully inside me stores all of those evil words to use for later dates. If I feel insecure about things such as my weight, career, parenting, and more those words are reused on me to reiterate my insecurities. That bully inside not only uses its own words but it reuses the hurtful words and events from days past to beat me up on the inside.

I can remember a few years ago someone involved in the same business as I was had done a few things to me or directly around me that were hurtful. I had spent some time defending someone else and myself and it never seemed to leave this person’s mind that I had stood up for what I believed in. I was criticized and blamed for things I had nothing to do with and most of all I was verbally assaulted and then finally told I was “the most annoying person” they had ever met. The truth of the matter was I stood up for some things I believed and other things I did not believe in and I was then put under a microscope and for whatever reason any bad that surrounded this small group of us I was blamed or brought to center. Again, some would have long forgotten words said by someone they barely knew and have had nothing to do with for many years now but for me when I feel insecure and anxious about myself and the things I say or how I act those words come back to me and my inner bully uses them against me. I obviously must be annoying. Maybe that is why some parties I am not invited to. Maybe that is why I was excluded from this or that. It also may be why sometimes when I do go places I am quiet and withdrawn for fear of what I might say. The logical part of me that can often explain this away is silenced by that bully inside. The bully only wants to talk about the negative and use my anxiety against me.

Sometimes as a parent we beat ourselves up. Parenting is not an easy job. Nobody gave us a manual that covered every situation that can arise. Nobody trained us on exactly what to do and gave us all the money and tools necessary in life. Those of us who have been single parents or are single parents often face extra obstacles along the way. Most of us know we did the best we could and can in spite of it all. Sometimes things happen and we cannot make it all right. Maybe we cannot afford everything they want or even need. Maybe they reach the older ages where less is completely in our control. They grow into young adults and we have to relinquish a certain amount of control you know. Someone can make a comment or even tell me I am not a good mom or I did not do something right and it can hit me like a ton of bricks. You see it is not only the things they say that run through my mind, it is that and so much more. Every insecurity and every decision I have made as a parent for the last 17 plus years goes running through my mind. The bully inside pulls out all of the bad from the past which makes me believe all of the current bad stuff and more. My mind is not able to rationalize how I worked very hard and my child never went without the basics in life and so much more. My mind does not remind myself how I got him to and from most of his sport activities and any other activities mostly on my own. I am not told to remember what a polite and handsome young man I have. The bully inside me knows that being a parent is something I have always taken seriously and it uses that against me. It tells me I am a terrible mom and I should have done more and done better. I am reminded of how I spend time on myself here and there when I really should have focused only on my child. The reality is that none of this is true but I cannot always control my mind and ignore the bully’s voice. The very nature of my anxiety is to be somewhat paranoid and think the worst.

As I have worked with my most recent counselor on we cannot control everything. We also have to try to think logically when those anxious thoughts come to us from our bully inside. I can tell myself that I cannot do anything right but the fact is I do a lot right. I am not perfect but I try. I can tell myself that nothing I do is worth it but the reality is I do a lot of good things for others even without personal gain. Silencing the bully inside is not easy and it can be a definite challenge for me almost daily but I owe it to myself and to those around me to try to be a better self. My anxiety is a huge part of this and all I can do is try and use the tools given to me and always be willing to try new things and recover from it all when it happens. Anxiety is real and cannot always be controlled. People often hurt me with their words whether directly or indirectly but I assure you that nobody is more hurtful than the bully inside.




My Review of “Such A Good Girl” by Amanda K. Morgan

I love to read books but I find life moving so fast that I rarely have time to read a book or at least finish one. I was so excited to get the opportunity to read “Such A Good Girl” for free and give my honest review. When I read in the email something about it being like “Pretty Little Liars” I was sold. I am a huge fan of that show which is based on a book series. As a 43-year-old woman I still much enjoy shows and books that are based on high school or college age story lines. Now here goes my review of “Such A Good Girl”.

As I have already mentioned on my social media channels I was hardly able to put this book down. I read it in a total of three days and for me that says a lot. I often read at night/early morning after work and before my sleep time. Any book I finish and read that quickly gets a definite five stars from me.

The main character Riley and her friends seem to be the popular girls at school. They all have their strong suites. Riley excels in academics but is less experienced socially than the other girls. She does not date much although there is definitely some interest.

Riley tries her hand at being a little more outgoing in certain areas while having a little something secretive going on around her. This seemingly “good girl” may not be as good as some think she is.

This story line definitely kept me interested throughout and wanting more. The ending without giving things away definitely surprised me. There is definitely more to Riley than meets the eye that much is for sure.

I would definitely recommend this book as a good read. If you like these types of story lines like I do it should be right up your alley. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


*My posts may or may not contain affiliate links.


My Try At Fried Squash

Ok so my husband really likes fried squash.  He also eats pork and beans mixed with it, which is strange to me but hey whatever floats his boat I guess!  Well a while back I was given some squash from a good friend so I looked up this recipe to try and after postponing this dinner a few times I finally made it last night. It is a Paula Dean recipe and I will tell you that my guy really enjoyed it.  He at first made this weird face and I thought to myself “oh crap he doesn’t like it” but then he said he loved it!  Go me and go Paula Dean!  Here is the recipe for your cooking pleasure!

Total Time:

57 min


15 min


30 min


12 min

Yield:6 to 8 servings


Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/deep-fried-squash-recipe.html?oc=linkback


Vegetable oil, for frying

1/2 cup whole buttermilk

3 large eggs

4 medium yellow squash, cut into 1/4-inch thick slices

1 cup yellow cornmeal

1 cup all-purpose flour

3 tablespoons Cajun or Creole seasoning

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

Freshly ground black pepper

Chopped fresh parsley, for garnish


In a large Dutch oven, pour the oil to a depth of 2 inches; heat to 365 degrees F.

In a large bowl, whisk together the buttermilk and eggs until smooth. Add the squash, tossing gently to coat; let stand for 30 minutes. Drain the squash, discarding the buttermilk mixture.

In a shallow dish, combine the cornmeal, flour, Cajun or Creole seasoning, baking powder, salt, and pepper, to taste. Dredge the squash in the mixture to coat.

Fry the squash, in batches, until golden brown, 2 to 3 minutes. Drain on paper towels. Garnish with parsley, if desired. Serve immediately.

Recipe credit to:




My Love of Minions

My Love of Minions

A few years ago life had gotten busy so I hadn’t seen many movies and my boyfriend and now husband introduced me to the movie Despicable Me.  He has a definite love for animated movies for an adult male.  We watched it together and thus began my love of minions.


I now have various minion objects including blankets, keychains, a picture, stuff animals and more.  I have been given various gifts over the years that are minions.  Anyone who knows me knows that of all characters minions are defily one of my favorites.  Dave minion is my absolute favorite since that is my husband’s name as well.

This weekend marks the opening of the third movie installment of Despicable Me.  The movie Despicable Me 3 starts in theaters this weekend.  I am super excited to see this movie with my husband just like we saw the first two together.


You can imagine my excitement when one of the companies I am associated with announced they would be partnering and coming out with minion products.  Origami Owl recently launched a line of jewelry for the new minion movie.  These items are so cute and will make a great addition to my locket collection.  If you have someone in your life who is also minion obsessed give the site a look.  Our mini lockets are a great item for smaller kids.  I got my niece a mini locket a few years ago and she has already upgraded to the next size.  There is even a minion locket and of course cute little charms to go inside any locket.   You can check out the minion collection here at https://locketswithchelle.origamiowl.com/shop/collections/minions

I hope you enjoy the new Despicable Me 3 movie when you get a chance to see it.  We are hoping to see it this weekend ourselves!  Yes adults like minions too! Whaaaat?

Check out the Despicable Me 3 trailer here:






The Time Someone I Knew Raped Me

As I was sitting and watching some back episodes of the show “Switched At Birth” I came to the episode where the character Bay was raped by an ex-boyfriend. She got drunk at a party and did not remember and was too drunk to have consented to any type of sexual activity. I began to think about how many times other girls and women were in similar positions or really any position where it was someone they knew who raped them and violated them. I began to think of the time all those years ago when it happened to me, the time someone I knew raped me.

I was about 19 or 20 as I know it had at least graduated from high school but had not yet moved out on my own. I grew up in a small town and there was a volleyball court at the park in town. I had been hanging out up there with some of the people I knew although I do not remember exactly who. Some of the boys I knew were going camping on some land. I was always wanting everyone to like me and just wanted to always fit in. I had a little bit of a crush on one of them at that time so I followed them in my car to the spot where they were camping. It was a good distance out there through the grass and dirt in my small red car. I still do not remember all of the details about what was going on. I know there was drinking. I don’t even remember if there was any music playing or anything like that. I remember that I had drank some and did not really know my way to get out of there in the dark as it got later.

I made the decision to lie down in my car and sleep until I felt sober and there was enough light to see my way safely out. I know that my parents would be worried but I still felt it was the best decision at the time. This was in the 90s so there were no cell phones to text or call your parents and let them know you had gotten yourself into a situation of not driving because it would not be safe. My four door car was awfully small and it would not be comfortable but that was the only choice I had to be safe, or at least I thought it was.

I probably laid there for a while. I had the windows down because it was summer and it was hot. I am not really sure just exactly how long I had been in there but I heard someone coming closer in the grass near me. It had to be one of the guys probably getting up to pee in the grass or near a tree or something as we were the only ones out in what was basically a pasture. I was right about it being one of them but not so right about what they were doing. One of them approached my car and was trying to get in and on top of me. I managed to crawl through the front or get out and through the console to the front one of the two. I remember this going on for a while with me back and forth in the car and I remember saying “no” many times. This boy who I knew and had went to the very same school as I had forced himself on me even though I said “no” repeatedly. I had never even had or shown any type of interest in this person at all. He was a nice looking guy but his personality was nowhere near my style so I would have never willingly consented to this.

I am sure some would wonder why I did not scream loud enough for the others to hear me and I honestly would probably ask that very same question myself. I think I just went numb or just thought I wasn’t worth any better. I have seen girls in various movies sort of do this and I always could relate.

When it got light out and time to leave I walked around a bit and just acted like nothing had happened. I acted like nobody had just crawled into the back of my car and raped me. I trusted these people. I knew them and never would have thought I would have been much safer to drive my car through that field that night having alcohol in my system than sleeping in my car.

There are only a couple of people who know about this. I never told anyone back then at all. I think part of me felt like it was my fault for putting myself in that situation and the other part thought that nobody would believe me and it would just cause a huge scandalous mess that someone who was popular around would do such a thing. I told my ex years after and many years ago because they had started hanging out together. My ex and my rapist were friends and it was not a comfortable situation. I did confide in him and it was confirmed to me that this person knew all these years that what they had done to me was wrong and had told my ex he had done it and how bad he felt. They did know that my saying “no” meant “no”. I am not sure if I felt better or worse at that point. I think a small part of me at least felt more sane knowing that I was right about the fact that what they did was wrong and it was not my fault just because I was in a bad spot. Nobody else really knows this story until now of course. I have mentioned it in passing to my husband but that is it. He is not the kind to ask too many questions unless I volunteer to tell him.

I went home that morning to a very angry stepdad and worried mom. I knew I had made them worry but again I thought I would be safer. I never told either of them what had happened to me that night. I am pretty sure I wanted to cry and tell him how I wished I had just come home because then nobody would have forced themselves on me. I have carried it around with me all these years. Just because it was someone I knew and I had made my own share of mistakes back then it was still wrong and I was still violated.

Acquaintance rape is a sex crime committed by someone who knows the victim. It could be a friend, classmate, relative, co-worker, etc. More than 70% of rape victims knew their attackers and 90% of rape victims who knew their attacker did not report the attack to the police. If you cannot consciously consent or you definitely says “no” and someone has sex with you anyway that is considered rape. It does not matter that you know each other. It does not matter if you have had sexual intercourse before with them or someone else. It does not matter what anyone thinks of you. If someone forces themselves on you it is rape and you have been violated. Even if you choose to not report it to the authorities you should talk to someone about it. Trust me when I say holding something like that in for years can eat away at you. If you cannot talk to a friend or relative talk to a counselor or find a rape hotline or group to speak to. The number for the National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-4673 and it is free, private and available 24 hours a day. Most of all do not feel alone or ashamed. You did nothing wrong.



$1 Subs at Jimmy Johns

If you are looking for a cheap dinner tonight look no further!  My hubby and I have their sandwiches a few times a month.  He brings it home on the Wednesdays he works until noon a few times a month.  Their sandwiches are pretty good and they have a drive thru.  We also LOVE their pickles!

May 2nd, 2017
Subs #1-6
One per person, inshop only

Participating locations 👉 http://bit.ly/JJCAD2017 subject to change

Here is a snap shot of numbers 1 through 6 o you can see your options…enjoy!


It Is What It Is

Last Wednesday was my 43rd birthday.  It was nothing special really.  It is just another day when you get older.  I do want to have a day focused on me in that I want to go out to eat with my family and I want to just do something for myself or that I enjoy doing.  In those aspects it is important to me personally.  Call my selfish or whatever you wish but I can assure you I spend a lot of my time and energy doing for others.  I spent my night having fun but without my favorite person in this world.  It sucks but in this life you have to learn to see things that you cannot be completely controlled by you as “it is what it is”.
I started off working because it was a work day and I am an independent contractor meaning I essentially work for myself so there is no pay when there is no work.  I really don’t mind as long as I get that family time and me time in there somewhere.  I got stepson off the school in one piece while Bandit, our corgi rode shotgun on the way back.  Somewhere in the mid morning my day took a bad turn for the worse as it often does these days when things happen that again are just not completely in my control.  It was bad timing that is for certain.  Things happen and despite my anxiety, my depression and my hurting heart I get through it all and continue to work because that is what I do.  I work to help provide for my family and I do it through the tears and sorrow sometimes but I do it.
I was really soured by the afternoon quitting time of the whole idea of celebrating anything.  I went back and forth in my head.  My anxiety had me “freaking out” at the things that happened and how people can be certain ways sometimes and why does it have to hurt so much.  The stress with all this on top of it just got to be too much.  Somewhere in the midst of it all my strength came bounding through like it often does.  My strength told me that just like I was learning and working on in my counseling I could not control everything or everyone.  My life and my evening had to go on.  I still got to see the rest of my family and enjoy a good meal and time away from the house for a bit.  Heck I actually fixed myself up a bit.  I straightened my hair and did my makeup better than normal.  I even put on eye makeup which I normally don’t even mess with these days.  I left not 100% happy and I was still sarcastically ranting about various things.
I managed to get over it and enjoy my meal, my family and my favorite alcoholic drink which is Kenny’s Cooler served at Texas Roadhouse.  You see as the biggest Kenny Chesney fan ever I had to try his drink when I saw it came out and each and every time we go there I have one.  This is big for me because I don’t drink much these days and I especially don’t drink when I go out because I am a cheap B—EEP!  On a side note if you enjoy rum, especially coconut rum then give his rum Blue Chair Bay a try.  There are more flavors than coconut but that is a great one to start with and NO I do not get any kickbacks from saying that.  I just highly recommend it and it is my rum of choice!  The food was great and the conversation too.  I may have indulged in way too many complimentary rolls and REGULAR butter but who cares!  I would not allow them to get me on top of that saddled “horse” contraption they do there for birthdays but I did wave my napkin around like that cute young waiter said to and allowed them to sing to me.  There was no way I was crawling my big ole hiney up on that thing.  I would need a ton more drinks to do that and maybe not even then.
I wanted to go one place before we made our way home where I would likely work some more because I wanted the extra money and I wanted to help out.  I wanted to go to Dirt Cheap.  This store is fairly new and my brother and sister-in-law are actually the ones that told us about it.  Some people are not at all impressed and some days I’m not either.  It is a place where they have closeouts, salvaged goods, damaged box goods and various other things at any given time.  The products vary so you never know what you may find or what discount you may find it at.  Sometimes you may walk through and wonder why you wasted your time and others you get a little excited at what you find.  It ranges usually from 40 to 90% off.  Yes that is right 90% off.  We only had about 30 minutes so I really had to make use of my time after I dashed to the potty room.  I made a half around on my way there carefully scanning with my thrifty shopper eyes!  I came back around to look around at socks and panties for myself.  I was actually looking for things for me personally.  Not something for someone else and not something I could craft with but for me that I actually needed.  At $1 each it was a good deal.  Then I found a stack of baby clothes in a bin and I was going through them looking for my nephew and also for maybe one more item for my little niece Maycie to put in her baby easter basket when a guy came and apologized for dumping a fresh new box of baby clothes.  I was like “oh no don’t apologize you’re fine”.  I was trying to play it cool and not be the crazy shopper lady.  I hit a jackpot!  At one point stepson came around and I put him to helping me dig.  I got some Texas Rangers onesies and one Dallas Cowboys onesie and also a pair of 2T  Texas Rangers shorts!  Yes we are Texans and we are fans.  My brother goes to Cowboys and Rangers games every year so that is right up his alley.  Also I am hosting a baby shower along with both of the new grandmothers and I happen to be making two smaller diaper cakes in those two themes since “sports” is the shower theme.  I felt like the queen of the world with my big bag of items I got for oh so cheap!  They were closing so my husband MADE me go check out which was certainly rude of him…haha love him but….  I will not tell you how much but I got this stuff all for less than $1 each.  Chaching!  I have hit the baby onesie jackpot one other time there.  That time I actually got some solid white ones I can add designs to and sell in my crafting business.  I am always proud of finding good deals.  I could tell you about some of the other deals but I think I will save that and more information about this store in another separate blog post down the road especially since I noticed they are opening one next weekend in Allen which is maybe 40 minutes from me.
My birthday was far from perfect but I managed to get it turned around a little.  I love enjoying a meal with family because it just does not happen all that often anymore and I love finding some good deals.  I especially love digging through baby clothes that are good bargains.  I cannot really explain it but having my first blood nephew or niece coming is a special thing to me and it helps me stay a little grounded.  It gives me something lighter and brighter and all around happier to focus on.  I mean who isn’t happy about little sweet babies?  Well I am a kid lover and a baby lover and since I only ended up with one of my own I get to spoil these nieces and nephews until some day, a LONG time in the future one of our boys makes me a grandmother or a glamma!  I intend to continue being a great auntie until then.  As I sign out for this blog draft I just want to say that sometimes our strength really surprises us.  Sometimes people don’t understand us and how we do the things we do but we just keep doing them anyway as long as it gets us by in this life.  Now if I can talk the hubby into running back over there in the morning while I work and dig through that bin of baby items…hmmmm!

I Am Feeling Like A Failure!

Today as I sit typing this on the eve of my 43rd birthday I am still so sad and heartbroken.  I have cried on and off all day.   Today has been one of the worst I have had in a long time.  There have been quite a few bad ones but today took the cake.  Today I actually thought and said to myself “I don’t want to live anymore”.  For me today this meant, “I want this pain and turmoil to stop.  I want my relationship with my son and my job and everything else to just be good and make me happy.”  I am going through some issues as a mom that are truly breaking my heart.  I feel like I am giving all that I have but it is not the right thing or not enough.  I am feeling like a failure.  I know I probably did not say the right things because I honestly don’t know what the right things are anymore.
This whole situation that has been ongoing for a while now has consumed me.  I worry about it day and night.  Not a minute of the day goes by that I do not think about it all in some shape of form.  Being a mom has always been something that I have took seriously.  I may not alway do the right things but I definitely give it my all.  Anything I do or try to do right now is to help guide him now and into his future.  We all must have the skills, knowledge and ability to cope as an adult out on our own before we just take that leap.  I am certainly trying my best to do all of that.


I am also dealing with losing my current job and not knowing what I will do next and if it will even be in my same career field.  I have worked very hard for a lot of years to get where I am and it sucks seeing it all just kind of swirl down the toilet slowly.  If I keep the same job with a new company my pay will see a huge decrease and things will just all around be so different.  My industry has just changed so much and I will leave it at that.
I do online counseling every week on Fridays.  I do this via video chat.  I really like my counselor.  He is definitely a good fit for me and that can make all the difference in the world honestly.   We are working on 4 things.  Those are mindfulness  self talk, self care and what I can and cannot control.  Where my son is concerned the last is the hardest.  He is 17 so I have to accept that no matter how hard I try he may not do what I want or what he should.  Watching him make those mistakes and not being able to pick him up, hug him and make it all better is killing me inside.  I would never go into all of the details out of respect to him but I will say it has been super hard and some of the things we are going through and have gone through are things I would have never dreamed of.  I have had to jointly make decisions that have honestly made my heart hurt so bad I felt dead inside.  If I can’t help him then what is wrong with me?  I am his mom.  I am suppose to be able to fix things and make it all right but I can’t.  He has reached that point that there are only certain things in my full control.  I cannot pick him up and carry him here or there where he needs to be.  I cannot hold his hand while he is out and about.  I have to trust he will make good decisions and try to teach him better when he doesn’t.
I really don’t care what age he is or how big he is in my eyes he will always be my little boy, my sugarbear as I would call him when he was little.  My counselor asks me questions when I say things to myself like “you are an awful mom” or “you are so stupid and can’t do anything right”.  He asks me in all reality are those statements true.  I always say no to things like that because they are not true but those are the things I tell myself either outloud or in my mind.  I guess that is why when people judge or criticize me it hurts but none of it is as bad as what I say about myself.  My anxiety and depression take pretty good care of those things for everyone around me.  I take it all day by day and cry when I have to and try to use whatever methods I can that I know to get me through it all.  My son sees me as dramatic or selfish when I cry but I am a cryer and an emotional person.  I cannot control it any more than I can control having to use the bathroom or when I have an anxiety attack.  It is what it is and we try better tomorrow.
**Disclaimer:  I am not suicidal at this moment.  I have no plans to do anything of that nature this is just a real glimpse of what can go through the minds of those of us with mental illnesses such as depression.  All it takes is one really down moment and loss of control and they or you are gone so please always take it seriously.  It is at the very least a call out for help.  If you or someone you know is suicidal please get yourself or them help  at the hotline below.