17Mar/18

My Struggle With Mental Illness As A Youth

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, , , , , , ,

When did my depression and anxiety start is something I get asked quite often when someone finds out about my mental illness and gets close enough to me to want to ask.  I never know what to say because I never sought help until I was the age of 28 finding myself going through a separation and later divorce as a mom of a toddler although I know without a doubt it started much earlier than that.

Just tonight as I listen to a playlist from the 80s while working on my craft business I am somehow struck with thoughts of dying and my fears around that.  I begin to think of how I would know how my son is and other family members.  What about my stepsons and future grandchildren?  How could I not be around and how could I even begin to think about it all.  I feel the anxiety surging up my chest.  I feel the tears starting to roll out of my eyes.  I then reflect on my childhood.  You see the thought and fear of death was something I remember being very anxious about as a child.  I can remember lying awake at night and thinking about not seeing my parents and grandparents.  How could the world just go on without me and how could I never get to see those people again?  I would cry myself to sleep many times thinking about it all.  I honestly don’t know if I ever talked to my parents about it.  I don’t remember it if I did but I do remember how I felt.

Now whether the above is enough to say that I had depression and/or anxiety I don’t know but it certainly would seem to be that I had possibly a heightened sense about these things in that I let it keep me from sleep and make me so upset.  I think I have always been what could be deemed as “sensitive” and whether that means I actually had signs of a mental illness back then I honestly don’t know.  I can tell you that as I entered my teen years I definitely suffered from mental illness.  Depression was present and even suicidal thoughts.

Junior high was a really tough time for me.  I had moved in the fourth grade to a new smaller school after my mom remarried and I had a pretty hard time trying to fit in there.  I never really felt like I belonged.  Junior high years brought a lot of issues with just the normal puberty issues along with already feeling like a complete misfit.  My parents had divorced when I was young and mom remarried.  I had an off and on again relationship with my dad.  Then my mom also had a new baby.  I love my brother.  I always have and I always will but my world completely changed when he came along.  I stopped being an only child and I took a back seat during a crucial time in my youth and it was not easy.  I was so depressed and I do not even think my parents realized it.  If I wasn’t such a “chicken” and didn’t have so much anxiety and worry over some of the methods of killing oneself I probably would not be here today writing this.

I was a stupid and scared depressed teen.  I thought of things like drinking harmful poison liquids to kill myself.  What could I drink that would not taste bad but would kill me?  Well I was picky so that probably would never have worked.  What medicines could I take a lot of to make the pain go away?  Making the pain go away meant I would never return.  I would never see my little brother again or any of my family.  I honestly thought a lot about my brother and I loved him and he is also a big part of why I am still here.  He took attention from me in some major ways but I was smart enough to know it was not his fault and he was important to me and I hated to think of leaving him alone in this world with no sibling.

A while after entering high school I gained some unexpected attention and popularity and it changed my life in some big ways.  I had confidence and felt like I was actually likable and maybe this whole teenager thing was turning around.  I got a boyfriend later my Freshman year and I had an overall decent high school experience as far as most were concerned.  Deep inside I still struggled.  I was constantly worried about my image.  I feared I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough.  I went through a lot of days of barely eating much trying to be skinnier and prettier.  My parents were always busy with my little brother and missed a lot of my activities.  I still always felt second best.  I guess maybe that is why popularity at school was so important to me.  I wanted so badly to be liked and so badly to be popular that I made some serious mistakes and searched for love and acceptance in all the wrong ways.  I learned a lot from it although not until much later in life.

One thing that I am not even sure started high school or junior high was my major anxiety over speaking in front of people.  I would count the paragraphs if we were taking turns reading and obsess over it.  I would count it again and again after each person read.  I just knew that I was going to say something stupid or get made fun of for some reason.  Forget giving speeches and reading a report in front of the class.  I remember physically visibly shaking one time.  I was physically ill.  I can also tell you that I missed a lot of school during those days and it was mostly my mental illnesses causing me to be physically ill and I would get especially sick to my stomach.  I don’t know if my parents still did not notice it or thought it was not bad enough for me to seek help but help back them could have probably helped me then and even now.

I have battled these mental issues much of my life as you can tell and my life has been filled with a lot of bad choices and heartache that possibly could have been different had I been able to get some sort of help for my mental illness back then.  I am not faulting anyone because things were a lot different back then.  What I want to come out of this is for someone, anyone to read this and realize how important mental illness is and that it affects our youth and is something they will not just get over.  They will carry it with them into adulthood.  Who knows what a difference getting some kind of help could make to so many?  How many suicides could be prevented if we all felt more open to getting the help we need?  How many bad childhood and adult choices could be prevented if we learned early on to deal with our issues and try to love ourselves a little more by getting care we need?

Early detection and getting rid of the stigma surrounding mental illness is so crucial.  Way too many go without seeking the help they need because they fear the judgement from others.  As a child or teen some even fear judgement from their own parents and family.  Why is it that we so openly seek medical treatment for every little thing physical wrong with us but are reluctant and often even embarrassed to seek treatment for mental illness, the very illnesses that deal with our brains?  Aren’t our brains, our minds, just as important if not more important than the rest of our body?

 

Reference:

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Photo credits:

Designed by Freepik
Designed by Freepik
Designed by Freepik
Designed by Freepik

 

 

14Jan/18

Working on Myself and Trying to Find My New Identity

Parenting, Uncategorized, , , , ,

The holidays had me so busy I have not written in far too long.  I have been pondering what to write about with so many ideas and drafts already written.  As I was sitting here working on graphics and things for my craft business I started thinking of a conversation that I had with my husband earlier and something I had been thinking about a lot lately.  I am working on myself and trying to find my new identity.

I was a single mom for about 12 years before meeting my current husband.  We have been married a little over a year having met my husband between 3 and 4 years ago.  My son who is now 18 lived with me full time until the age of 12.  He was always very active with a lot of friends and active in sports and activities.  His dad was and is in his life but most of the time growing up we lived approximately 45 minutes away from him and 20 or more from family so getting him here and there and everywhere was my responsibility.  I did not mind doing it at all and being Dylan’s mom or as I call it dyldylsmom was who I was.  I was his soccer mom, baseball mom, basketball mom and more as he tried out various things over the years.  He was still active in sports until a couple of years ago and I still attended every game and event I could and that was a part of who I was as much as anything else.  I am a huge hobbyist photographer so cheering him on and snapping photos was always a must.

The last couple of years have not been filled with the activities like before but we have had a lot of issues that have been stressful and mentally exhausting.  We still have issues but now that he is 18 and has pretty much made the decision to be on his own that part of me is gone.  I am still his mom and always will be.  I am still a stepmom to three boys, one of which lives with us at almost 13 but is much less active and has nothing to do with sports.  His dad, my husband, is here to share in those responsibilities as well.

I do miss all of the sports and I wish circumstances were different I could be doing some of those things but it is what it is and my life is in a different place.  Despite the arguing and distance between us now because apparently teenagers just don’t want to hang out with their parents anymore I still would do almost anything for him as long as it is not harmful or against my beliefs of course and we have always been pretty close.  I knew he would grow up and our relationship would change that is a given.  I never knew the things that have happened or what we have been through the last couple of years would have ever happened and that is the hard part.

Every day I struggle between losing the part of me that was dyldylsmom and finding me as a person.  Now I am able to focus more of my energy to my own hopes and dreams.  Part of me feels guilty I think but my son in his heart knows that I have always been there for him waiting on his sidelines and I am still here but things are different and I have to do what is healthy for me and work on building myself up.  My family is important to me and always will be but building a business I can be proud of and doing things I enjoy in this life are also important to me and in turn to my family.  I cannot be there for them fully if I am not there for myself.  I fight battles daily with my mental illness and other issues but I am here and I am working on me daily with all I have.  I don’t have a completely empty nest yet but the dynamics of our nest have changed and so in turn I change too and hopefully for the better.

                         

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07Dec/17

My Review of Foot Peel Mask Treatment

Beauty, Reviews, , , , , , ,

So I will admit right up front that my feet are pretty rough.  I unfortunately inherited my mom’s callused and rough feet.  It drives me absolutely crazy.  When I reach down and feel my feet and they feel and sound like sandpaper it is almost like nails on a chalkboard.

I also admit that I bought these things a few months ago and we moved and I had misplaced them during our move.  Well I am too cheap to buy another set until I made sure they did what they said so I impatiently waited for myself for my husband to find them.  I know that I also could have went to the salon and had the nice ladies give me a pedicure but I have been way too busy and also just did not want to part with that much extra money right here close to the holidays and after a movie and car issues.

I finally found them a couple of weeks ago and finally got to give them a try.  I honestly was not really optimistic.  I just sort said I would try them and then if they did not work well I knew not to purchase them again.  I read the instructions a few times making sure I read them right and that I was to soak my feet in them only the one time.  I thought surely I would have to do more than that to get them to peel in a few days.  Well I was wrong.

I put each foot into the bags that contained the solution.  I first put in my left foot and made sure it fit tightly.  It said something about wrapping or cutting or something but I just put it on and then put my sock and my slipper sock on over it and it was held in place tightly as it should be.  The solution smelled clean and maybe a little like alcohol but nothing major or displeasing.  I then did the same with the other foot.  I work at home and I just continued working while I waited the allotted time.  I took them off and rinsed my feet off with warm water when the time was up and for then I was done.

Again, I am a pretty busy person and my mind forgets things these days on a pretty regular basis.  A few days after I had done this I felt like I was walking on something and kind of thought to myself “what in the heck is that?”.  I was talking on the phone to my Mema and I pulled something off the bottom of my right foot and thought to myself “surely that is no my skin”.  Well after I was done talking to her I sat down on the edge of our bed and low and behold both of my feet were peeling.  That dead skin was definitely starting to come off.  This happened a little more over the next few days so I just sat down daily and peeled that dead skin off.  Some of it would be small pieces so a bit of a pain but my feet felt so soft.  My feet still feel soft.  They feel at least as good as they do when I go and get the nice ladies at the salon to do it for me.  This process was super easy and effective.  The worst part was just the skin peeling and trying not to make a HUGE mess.  If you have something to put it all in or on or do it over a trash can you will be perfectly fine.  I can definitely recommend this to anyone who was a nice at home and affordable remedy.  You get a little of the spa feeling to doing it this way and your feet will feel soft after you are done.  I will definitely give this product a thumbs up.  I was definitely pleasantly surprised.  If you are interested in looking at the information and/or purchasing just click the picture below.

*My site does contain affiliate links and I may get some sort of credit for some links clicked within my site.

04Dec/17

My Review of Larnn Cool Memory Foam Seat Cushion

Reviews, , , , , , , , ,

Let me first say I am a work at home medical transcriptionist so I sit a lot! My job requires me sitting all day so I sit in my office chair just for my full time job at least 40 hours a week. I definitely need to be comfortable. I also have a small business where I do crafting for money. I design shirts and such so I also spend a lot of time doing that as well as marketing and maintaining my store on sites so I spend even more time in my chair doing that.

I got this cushion and was definitely excited to try it. Besides my job and business I was also involved in a wreck a few years ago where I was injured and had terrible sciatica and low back pain. It is much better but sitting for long periods can cause it to flare up on me. I have to try to maintain a good sitting position and keep my chair comfortable.

It was packed great in a box as shown in my pictures.  I opened it up and took it out of the bag. I put it in my chair and so far it has made a huge difference in my sitting comfort. I have worked with it and been very busy with my craft business since it is the holiday season. I have spent many hours already sitting on this seat cushion and so far it has been great! It is super soft and it did not flatten or anything the way some might. It stayed plump enough for me to feel a definite difference. An added bonus is that the cover is washable! I am always drinking and eating food while I work on stuff. I will definitely continue using it while I do any of my tasks. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who needs that extra comfort and support.  You can view and/or purchase by clicking below.

 

*Please note that my site contains some affiliate links throughout.

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03Dec/17

How To Clean Your Cricut Mats Using Totally Awesome!

Crafts, , , ,

First let me apologize for my video quality in the video I will post.  We moved to a much smaller house and I just do not have the room I used to.  Plus this was Thanksgiving night and I was looking a bit crusty from the day and I could not find my tablet/phone stand which probably one of our children nabbed.  I will simply how you and tell you how to clean your Cricut mats using Totally Awesome though!

You will need:

Dirty Cricut mat

Paper Towels and/or some type of cloth

Scraper of some sort (Cricut is fine but a larger one is even better…link posted below to a larger one to purchase if you wish and is great to have for larger projects)

Totally Awesome (found at many stores including Dollar Tree for you guessed it $1) and also on Amazon here for 16 oz bottle  http://amzn.to/2jHQWQd and here for a large refill bottle 64 oz http://amzn.to/2BGkk1q

Now how I got to this point was as a “newbie” who studied a lot about using her Cricut for months before ever touching the thing I honestly thought “whatever I will just buy a new one”.  Well here we are probably over two years later and me now into not just using my Cricut for hobby but for business and gifts and I now clean my mats!

First, I was and am a packrat so I would sit them around without putting the film over it knowing good and well because it is generally a stupid idea and we have a corgi who sheds like nothing I have ever seen before.  I was “busy” and I did not have time for such things.  Well I was stupid!  Do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong with picking up a couple of extra now and then after a LONG bit of use to have extras especially if you really get into using your Cricut a lot and especially if you use it for business purposes and get busy like me.  It is smart of you to keep the cover on ALL of the mats you have and clean them and rotate them through periodically.  It is such a money saver and so super easy to clean them.

Now, find you a space where you can spread out your mats like a table especially if you have the longer ones that measure 24 inches long.  We have no table and my one craft tray I keep with my measuring goods and my rotatory cutter so I just used our washer.  Whatever works so you have enough room.  Take your bottle of Totally Awesome and spray the mat all over.  It does not have to be drowning in it by any means but enough to cover and get it clean.  Next, take your scraper and begin scraping from one end and work your way down.  Wipe away an excess “goo” as you go with your paper towels or cloth.  Spray more of the Totally Awesome as needed until the mat looks clean and free of any debris or “goo”.  After this you are pretty much done except for letting your mats dry.  Simply hang or set them down somewhere so they can completely dry.  Once they are dry they will feel sticky like brand new.

Congratulations you have learned how to quickly and inexpensively clean your mats!  Give yourself a pat on the back and keep on crafting!  Youtube video link is shown below.

Here is a great bigger scraper that also has felt for doing sensitive projects :

15Nov/17

Who Doesn’t Love a Good Christmas Movie?

Christmas, Shirts, , , , , ,

We have embarked on that time of year when the Christmas music has started playing all around us.  The stores are all looking red and green with stocked shelves full of Christmas items all around us.  The other great thing about this time of year for many of us watching all those feel good Christmas movies whether they be old classics of new ones.  Hallmark Channel is especially known for those.  They play continuous Christmas movies from now until the New Year.  Who doesn’t love a good Christmas movie?

You won’t find your usual Golden Girls, Frasier, etc. playing on Hallmark Channel this time of year.  You will have to wait it out or find another method to watch all those because Christmas has taken over.  So many of us look forward to this.  It is definitely widely talked about.  The premier new Christmas movies each year along with playing all of our old favorites from the years past.  There are two channels you can watch these on which makes for double the fun.  You can turn it to the regular old Hallmark Channel or Hallmark Movies & Mysteries to get your Christmas movie fix.  Whether you watch alone while you relax with a cup of coffee or tea or sit around and watch with family these channels are sure to provide just what you need to enjoy your time.  There is a certain feel good feeling of sitting around and watching these movies and knowing you can take away a smile and possibly make memories.

Don’t miss out this season on all of the new movies coming this year.  Bake you some cookies and grab a blanket and curl up for the night.  Maybe grab your favorite PJs and your favorite blanket too.  I have included the list here of the dates for each new Hallmark Christmas movie premiere.  Be sure to check your schedule to catch any that you missed!

As one last thought I invite you to go on over to one of our shops and see the tee shirt I designed just for us Hallmark Christmas movie lovers with another coming soon.  Wouldn’t you rather be watching Hallmark Christmas movies?

Etsy Listing for Hallmark Shirt

Website Listing for Hallmark Shirt

Hallmark Movie Schedule 2017 10/28:Marry Me at Christmas 11/04: Christmas Festival on Ice 11/5: Christmas in the Air 11/11: The Sweetest Christmas 11/12: Miss Christmas 11/18: Coming Home for Christmas 11/19: Enchanted Christmas 11/23: The Misteltoe Inn 11/24: Finding Santa 11/25: The Christmas Train 11/26: Switched for Christmas 12/02: Christmas in Evergreen 12/03: Christmas at Holly Lodge 12/10: Christmas Shop 12/10: Christmas Encore 12/16 Christmas Shuttle 12/17: Father Christmas 12/23: Baby It’s Cold Outside 12/25: When Calls the Heart: The Christmas Wishing Tree 12/30: New Year’s Gala *All movies will air at 8/7 CST SaveSave

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08Aug/17

My Review of PowerUp Lightening Charging Cord

Electronics, Reviews, , , , , , ,

We never seem to have enough charging cords.  We especially had this issue when my teenager was still living here.  I honestly wondered if he was eating them so many of them would disappear.

We all have iPhones and we have two iPads so having lightening cords that are good quality is important to us.  I like this kind as the cord is cloth rather than rubber.  This keeps it from fraying and shorting out as easily.  I have been using this charging cord for several days in my home office and I have had a great experience thus far.  The bonus is that it is even pink!  It matches my phone and lets me be girlie in a family of all males.  Below is my YouTube video review as well as the link to view and/or purchase this cord.

https://www.amazon.com/iPhone-Charger-Certified-Lightning-Charging/dp/B06XWGJ8K6/ref=sr_1_282?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1500750944&sr=1-282&keywords=iphone+6+charger

 

04Aug/17

Review of Bumble Road Bath Bombs

Reviews, , , , ,


 

I had the honor to review these bath bombs from Bumble Road recently.  If you busy like me you may rush through your days and take quick showers and rarely take the time for yourself to just relax in the tub with a nice bath.  We have to all learn to give up time for ourselves to be the best we can be and this includes me.

I got these bath bombs at a discount to try out and give my opinion on.  I have included the  Youtube video review I did along with this post as well.  I got mine from Amazon and I have included the link to view and/or purchase as well as the end of this post.

I am currently working two jobs due to slowness on my production paid first job.  We are also getting ready to move and I have a ton of additional stress so I decided to make trying these a priority and to make it a whole relaxation routine.  At the time of this post I have tried two of them out of the four pack and they both were great.  They each have their own name and scent.  I have tried Dreamsicle and Yellow Rose.  I set up some calming music the first time and a TED talk the next time on my iPad to watch and listen to.    I dimmed the bathroom lights only leaving one light on and started some nice warm/hot bath water and dropped in my bath bomb.  You can immediately see the bath bomb dissolving and fizzing in the water.  The smell is great and started almost immediately.  It had completely dissolved by the time my bath was full and I was ready to hop in.

I really enjoyed my relaxation time using these bath bombs.  The scent was nice and it really helped me enjoy my time doing nothing but listening to the music or the talk.  There was absolutely no kind of residue or anything left from the bath bombs.  They dissolved completely with no issues.  I felt really clean and fresh both physically and mentally.  I think using these during a relaxing bath time residual was definitely beneficial to me and could be to so many of us who put ourselves last.  I am anxious to try many more products like this to help me relax and unwind from the stress in my life.

 

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B072C7ZP3W

20Jul/17

The Bully Inside My Mind

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, , , , , , ,

We hear a lot these days about bullying. The majority of it pertains to school age kids or online bullying. Bullying is not a new concept by any means but in further years past it was more of a “hush hush” or taboo subject. It was almost normal to “tease” others. I was definitely bullied for a few different reasons growing up as a shy and awkward child who had issues of various types. I have been bullied as an adult over the years as well but the bully that is probably the most harmful is the bully inside my mind.

All it takes really is for someone to say something to me or make me feel uncomfortable and I start to doubt myself and everything I have done and said. I begin to tell myself that others do not like me and are talking about me behind my back. It does not matter if I actually heard or saw it. It simply matters that something happened that triggered those anxiety ridden voices that live inside me.

I have had men in my past who have said things in anger or because maybe they just were immature and had little to no sense that were hurtful to me. Many would be able to know immediately that the words were not necessarily true but meant to be like am emotional wound laid upon them. Most would be able to drop those words and thoughts from their minds 10 or more years later but not me. The inner bully inside me stores all of those evil words to use for later dates. If I feel insecure about things such as my weight, career, parenting, and more those words are reused on me to reiterate my insecurities. That bully inside not only uses its own words but it reuses the hurtful words and events from days past to beat me up on the inside.

I can remember a few years ago someone involved in the same business as I was had done a few things to me or directly around me that were hurtful. I had spent some time defending someone else and myself and it never seemed to leave this person’s mind that I had stood up for what I believed in. I was criticized and blamed for things I had nothing to do with and most of all I was verbally assaulted and then finally told I was “the most annoying person” they had ever met. The truth of the matter was I stood up for some things I believed and other things I did not believe in and I was then put under a microscope and for whatever reason any bad that surrounded this small group of us I was blamed or brought to center. Again, some would have long forgotten words said by someone they barely knew and have had nothing to do with for many years now but for me when I feel insecure and anxious about myself and the things I say or how I act those words come back to me and my inner bully uses them against me. I obviously must be annoying. Maybe that is why some parties I am not invited to. Maybe that is why I was excluded from this or that. It also may be why sometimes when I do go places I am quiet and withdrawn for fear of what I might say. The logical part of me that can often explain this away is silenced by that bully inside. The bully only wants to talk about the negative and use my anxiety against me.

Sometimes as a parent we beat ourselves up. Parenting is not an easy job. Nobody gave us a manual that covered every situation that can arise. Nobody trained us on exactly what to do and gave us all the money and tools necessary in life. Those of us who have been single parents or are single parents often face extra obstacles along the way. Most of us know we did the best we could and can in spite of it all. Sometimes things happen and we cannot make it all right. Maybe we cannot afford everything they want or even need. Maybe they reach the older ages where less is completely in our control. They grow into young adults and we have to relinquish a certain amount of control you know. Someone can make a comment or even tell me I am not a good mom or I did not do something right and it can hit me like a ton of bricks. You see it is not only the things they say that run through my mind, it is that and so much more. Every insecurity and every decision I have made as a parent for the last 17 plus years goes running through my mind. The bully inside pulls out all of the bad from the past which makes me believe all of the current bad stuff and more. My mind is not able to rationalize how I worked very hard and my child never went without the basics in life and so much more. My mind does not remind myself how I got him to and from most of his sport activities and any other activities mostly on my own. I am not told to remember what a polite and handsome young man I have. The bully inside me knows that being a parent is something I have always taken seriously and it uses that against me. It tells me I am a terrible mom and I should have done more and done better. I am reminded of how I spend time on myself here and there when I really should have focused only on my child. The reality is that none of this is true but I cannot always control my mind and ignore the bully’s voice. The very nature of my anxiety is to be somewhat paranoid and think the worst.

As I have worked with my most recent counselor on we cannot control everything. We also have to try to think logically when those anxious thoughts come to us from our bully inside. I can tell myself that I cannot do anything right but the fact is I do a lot right. I am not perfect but I try. I can tell myself that nothing I do is worth it but the reality is I do a lot of good things for others even without personal gain. Silencing the bully inside is not easy and it can be a definite challenge for me almost daily but I owe it to myself and to those around me to try to be a better self. My anxiety is a huge part of this and all I can do is try and use the tools given to me and always be willing to try new things and recover from it all when it happens. Anxiety is real and cannot always be controlled. People often hurt me with their words whether directly or indirectly but I assure you that nobody is more hurtful than the bully inside.

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